My Favorite Things (of 2010).

I'm a younger, white edition of Oprah. And in this episode, I will not be giving away any of my favorite things because, well, most of them aren't really "things" but rather, ideas or organizations. A few of them are things, but you can buy them yourself. Many of these things were released previous to 2010, but I don't really care. I either fell in worldly love with them or stumbled upon them in 2010. So... hah.

So here we go... Jenessa's Favorite Things of 2010.

1. mewithoutYou. "The Fox, the Crow, and the Cookie" may be my favorite song currently. Really any of the songs on "It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All a Dream! It's Alright" are amazing. Or anything mwY related. Aaron Weiss, the lead singer, is my favorite person of 2010. By far.

2. The Rockplex. I live here with three women of God. So happy I do, I couldn't ask for better friends and a better place to relax and get snowed in.

3. Hummus and spinich wraps. Lunch, dinner, snack time... this stuff is good together at any time of the day.

4. Tattoos. This is the only reason I want to meet my future husband... so I can get my second and last tattoo. The "Micah 6:8" written on my right wrist just makes me so joyous and reminds me of my purpose.

5. That being said... being single. I have experienced life and grown up a ton in the last year with my last sister getting married and refusing to date anyone. There's just something about going at life just you and God that I adore. Sure, it will probably change, but to be in a comitted relationship sounds awful right now.

6. Graduation! I graduated college with a B.A. in English last May. I have been done with college for a year already (I was finished in December of 2009). Whoa. It did feel good to hold that diploma in my hands for the first time though, let me tell ya!

7. Kids. They teach me more and more every day.

8. Bring Me Hope. As if I don't talk about this organization enough! Check them out, you'll understand why they're one of my favorite things!

9. Band wives. They are fantastic... usually better than the band themselves. Just sayin'.

10. The Wedding's "The Distance" EP. It makes my heart sing along!

Christmas Tidings.

"'He defended the cause of the poor and needy; then it was well. Is not this to know me?' declares the Lord."
-Jeremiah 22:16

When Jesus came to earth, He did not come to be with the Pharisees and people in power... He came to be with the poor, the needy, the broken, the cheaters, the liars, and the lowly. He did not come seeking love from people who would give him a place in society; He came seeking to show His love to the world. And He didn't just say that He loves us- He showed it that afternoon on the cross. He showed it with every lash of the whip, every tongue that scoffed at Him. His arms which were bound to rough wood pulled the flesh off His back as He propelled Himself upwards to gulp a few precious breaths of air... that's how He showed love. His physical pain was nothing compared to the spiritual pain of having the sins of the world on Him and thus being forsaken by His Father. It hurt the Father to see His Son suffer. It hurt the Son to suffer. But because of Love, we don't suffer.

I want to know this God! I want to know the Father who loves, the Son who died, and the Holy Spirit who inspires. I want to experience Him in every way possible. I want His love to flow through my whole being. I want to be the sweet incense that travels to heaven... I want to follow His will with my whole heart. The best part? I can't do any of this apart from Him.

So it's Christmas. I have all of this stuff going through my head... while at the same time, spending a ton of money on my family. While that's not a bad thing and showing love to them through my favorite giving love language (different from my receiving love language), I believe I'm called to something more. I mean, I SAY that I want to know God, but am I defending the cause of the poor and needy?

As many of you know, our Sunday School kids are sponsoring two children to go to Bring Me Hope summer camp this summer (July 2011) through our offerings taken every Sunday at Sunday School. Bring Me Hope leads four weeks of summer camps for Chinese orphans. (For more info, click here) As many of you know, I am trying to go for a few weeks of these camps. What a lot of you don't know is that I probably won't have my passport in time to be able to get into the Republic of China. I am at peace with this, but will still keep going in case China is in fact where God wants me this summer. Either way, our kids are able to help with the organization, which they are all excited about. Last Saturday was our two hour practice for the Sunday School Christmas program. One of our kids asked if we were going to do offering, which we weren't. "Oh, good, because I only have two pennies and I can't even find them anymore but I was going to give them."

"Well, it's probably a good thing you couldn't find them... you should keep them if they are your last pennies," I responded.

And other times, I had kids offer me their last piece of chocolate or Christmas candy but I would refuse them because they were their last. They should keep them, right?

Or should they?

One thing I love about working with kids is that they understand giving. They understand what their favorite things are, what things have value to them. To one kid it was money, to other kids it's chocolate and candy. But they know that these things that have value are better if shared. They WANT to share (and often won't take no for an answer!). This kind of loving giving is something I should be striving for personally and also building up in these kids. I pray that they never lose this drive to share those things that have the most value to them.

"Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share." -1 Timothy 6:17-18

I think these kids have figured out a part of knowing God. A huge part. May God's gift of love to you this Christmas inspire you to show love to those in need and to share the things in life that have the most value to you... whether that be in song, in time, through cooking, cleaning, or helping in any way you can. And may you experience and know God in ways you never have before.

(And a P.S.- I don't really want to say this, but just so you know I'm not just doing lip service, tonight I adopted a kid through Compassion International. If you feel led to adopt a child into your family, pray for them, and seek to nourish them spiritually, please do so. I can tell you right now that it is one of the biggest ways you will ever experience God. Kids never cease to amaze you and when a kid is depending on you for their daily needs- it's just incredible. Check it out and pray over how you can help these kids... and then do it!)

Oh man oh man

I am just so absolutely upset right now. I mean, feeling a tad under the weather a really really weak might have something to do with it, but I think for the most part this total sadness is justified.

We had a leadership meeting at our church yesterday. We do every Tuesday. But this Tuesday it was brought up the fact that we do little at the church to help people with physical needs, whether it be diapers, gas cards, food... anything like that. We had someone come up to a leader in our church on Thanksgiving Eve (read that- THANKSGIVING EVE) and he had to give the man in need money from his own pocket so that this man could buy Pull-Ups for his grandson. Can someone tell me why we didn't have a gift card or even a package of diapers on hand to give him instead? I bet even people in our own congregation could benefit from this at times when family members get laid off... it would be good for them to know that they have a place called the Church where they can find not only spiritual help, but physical too!

So now I'm making a little handout listing places where people can get their needs met. This way, if someone comes up to us and asks us to help, we can give them a piece of paper. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! HAVE WE TOTALLY LOST SIGHT OF WHO THE CHURCH IS TO BE?! Call me a radical but for some reason I think we're way off.

1 John 3:16-18-
"By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide him him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

How are we letting our light shine (Matthew 5:13-16) if we're pushing these people away to other locations for sustenance? Are we really showing that God's love abides in us? Even a bigger question- does God's love abide in us if we turn these people away? Yep, I just said that. And I believe it's a valid question. I know there are scammers out there and for that I am sorry. But helping a person once, even if they do turn out to be a scammer... should the fear of that really stop us from helping them ONCE and treating them as though they are Jesus (Matthew 25:31-46)? Who are we really to fear?

Matthew 10:28-
"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell."

Thus, I don't really think fear is a valid argument to keep us from doing God's will and helping those brothers in need.

Right now at our church we are trying to formulate a plan for higher attendance and participation in our church based on (I'm sure well-intended) books. Changing programs, making new programs, marketing our church better. While books are good, being in love with God and knowing His will and following His plan is 100 million times better. Actually, infinitesimally better. So let's see how God grew the church. Turn to Acts 2 (verses 42-47 to be exact).

"And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved."

Through these verses, we see how the Lord gave them favor with the people and added to their number (daily!) those who were being saved. Here's how it was done:

1. Devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching.
2. Devoted themselves to fellowship.
3. Devoted themselves to the breaking of bread (in their homes).
4. Devoted themselves to prayers.
5. They were together with everything in common.
6. They sold their possessions and gave to each as they had need.
7. They attended the temple together.
8. They received their food with glad and generous hearts.
9. They praised God.

Sure, programs are good. Restructuring the church is good. Making plans to be the Church... WAIT A SECOND. But that is kind-of what we are doing, isn't it? We're making plans to be the Church instead of just being it?

For some reason, I don't think people need new and improved programs. I think we need a wake-up call. We need to realize that being the Church doesn't mean just coming to a building on Sundays and singing some songs and saying some canned confession and feeling religious for an hour. It's a lifestyle, it's a community. It takes falling in love with God, with His Church! It takes knowing Him, loving Him with your whole heart, spending time in the Word, devoting yourself to prayer, constantly being in partnership with other believers, giving to brothers as they have need. This is not a light task! This is not an easy life! But friends, THIS IS THE CHURCH! So are we going to be the Church or not?

"'He defended the cause of the poor and needy; then it was well. Is not this to know me?' declares the Lord."
-Jeremiah 22:16

Tattoos.

I just love the things... if they are well done and tasteful. I enjoy hearing about why people put certain tattoos on their body and the meaning behind them. It's a beautiful, artistic way to show people what you are all about.

I posted on here a while ago about my tattoo and the reasonings behind why I had it forever placed on my skin. I don't regret it (good thing too, it's only been about 8 months!) and I never will.

But I am going to get another one some day based on Song of Solomon 8:6-

"Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
... Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD."

It's so very beautiful and talks about how much the Lord loves us. This verse has been on my heart a ton lately, just thinking about the burning desire He has for me.

I've also been thinking a lot about boy/girl relationships and dating. I am definitely not ready to be in the whole dating/courting/relationship thing, nor will I be for a long while. In fact, I won't be ready until God hits me over the head with it... and that will be a long time. See, I've got a long way to go, a lot of things to do. Being in love with Him first is the most important thing and thus living in His will.

Lately, with re-thinking society, I've realized that few people exist who will come alongside me and serve. One is my dearest roommate, one is quickly becoming a dearest friend. They both seek to change how society places value on human life. They both feel the drive to serve, the need to show others what kindness, compassion, and respect looks like.

And for them I am eternally grateful. Thank You God for answering prayer.

Stream of Consciousness.

I haven't done one of these blogs in a while. But they are good for getting thoughts down! See if you can follow.

I'm listening to mewithoutYou again. I really like Aaron Weiss. He's not autistic, so whichever one of you internet jerks started that rumor, you can take it right back. He's a stinkin' genius.

One of my friends says he (Aaron Weiss)'s not a Christian. I have never talked to Aaron, but this is the same friend who says that Catholics aren't saved... every Catholic I've met confesses with their mouth that Jesus is Lord and believes in their heart that He is raised from the dead. But I guess that's not a Christian (kidding). Aaron has an amazing story of his realization to serve and love... for this I look up to him.

I strongly dislike people who believe they are always right. Especially when that person is a Christian but they constantly put down the beliefs of other Christians. Way to promote the idea of the Church. *slow, mean clap* Truth is, we don't know everything about God. Get off your high horse and love instead of condemn. Get back to the basics, don't argue the smaller stuff and thus push people away from the Truth.

I strongly dislike people who are persuasive. Especially if they're persuasive in a bad way. Let me make my own decisions, dang it, and stop trying to ruin other people's lives just because they're not living the exact same way you are.

I really love a lot of people. I love even the people who I dislike strongly, even when it's hard. Loving those who make you mad consistently is not fun, but it needs to be done. I know I'm not the best at this, but I'm working at it. Give me some time and a lot of do-overs please. I'm gonna need them.

Drama is one of my least favorite things in the whole wide world. I'm done with college, there shouldn't be any of that junk. I enjoy open, honest communication. I seek to hurt no one's feelings. I put my wants and needs aside to help as much as I can. Just let me do that, please? Don't get mad at me for dumb little things that have no meaning. Don't get mad at me for loving you as a friend. And for goodness sake, don't take everything I do as "Oh my goodness, this girl wants to date me." And girls, don't take it as "Oh my goodness, this girl tries too hard." Because, if I have to be honest with you, my friends mean a lot to me. I do go out of my way to talk to them and be around them and I will ask them a lot to hang out just so I can be a (hopefully encouraging) part of their world. After all, that's what I'm called to do. I'm a relational person, so are you. So stop trying to be cooler than encouragement, laughs, and pure, undefiled friendship.

Oh, and if a friend brings drama into a friendship, I'll smack it right to Mars and tell it never to come back. And drama listens to me... by goodness, yes it does. Just ask the high schoolers in our youth group at church.

I just want to sit down with Aaron Weiss and listen. Just listen. About anything and everything. And potentially nothing.

I say the word "goodness" a lot. Sorry.

I'm really happy God wrote the Bible. It could have potentially been really awful if He hadn't. And by really awful I mean intensely awful. I would have very little to read, since many of the books I read are based on things the Bible says.

Wouldn't it be cool to live like the early Church? Sharing everything with everyone? Knowing the Holy Spirit, having Church in homes, living in community with a ton of believers and sharing Him and His riches with everyone you know? Serving together? Loving each other?

Sometimes I think it's okay to live with an ideal in mind. You know, always making advances toward living in that ideal. I know I will never be able to live exactly like the early church, but I can try!

All of this talk has me looking at the Jesus People website. Again. Why I do this, I don't know. I so want to live down there with them... but I have a feeling that if I visit again, this time I won't leave. I won't want to leave.

I love living at my new house. I hate being here alone. It's so... lonely. Oh well!

Time to go clean. And listen to Bradley Hathaway and more mewithoutYou. And maybe some of The Wedding... although they cancelled their show here on Friday, so I'm not the happiest with them.

In other news, I am instead driving up to Fargo, ND on December 9th if the weather is good. I have to go see For Today because I haven't seen them since the end of August. I miss them, even though I don't get to hang out with them much when I see them. It will still be worth it.

I listen to too much mewithoutYou.

the eagle flies
and the rabbit cries
tries to find a place to rest.
But oh, the little pest!
He runs and flees
Eagle- please!
don't take,
for heaven's great sake!

yet he swoops and stirs
the rabbit amidst the burrs
he ran across the lake
knowing he was fake
took a final leap
into the great deep.
"Never will you have me!
Never will you see!"
down and down
drown and drown
so much for the rebel
so much for the rebel.

Creative Thinking.

This week I have been challenged in my faith so much. And it's been amazing.

It all started a few weeks ago, as I was reading "Under the Overpass". I realized that I had become lazy in service, lazy in my faith in a lot of ways. My time has been taken up by work, work, and more work (plus moving and learning to live in a community) and I wasn't okay with that. In fact, the day I finished the book I was compelled to go out and serve. I talked to someone who, in the past, I have considered my best friend. He ticked me off that day. He said that I was weird when I started talking about doing homeless ministry... what I inferred from him (whether it was true or not) was that homeless ministry was not something I should be doing. It ticks me off when people tell me what to do, even by not telling me what to do (but implying it). I don't do well with authority, especially from this person as of late.

The whole day I was just mad. Angry. And remained that way until Sunday night (over a week!).

I started reading "Starving Jesus" by Craig Gross and J.R. Mahon a few days ago and started really soaking in what they are saying. They talk about the Born Again Lazy in the book and I realized that a huge amount of time that I spend in my week is dedicated to these very people. Lukewarm Christians. People who believe the Word, proclaim the Word, but rather listen to a 40 minute sermon once a week than actually go out and do what the Word says. They rather just leave the book of James in the dust and focus inwardly. Right now, these are the people I am called to shake up. These are the people who need to recognize that they live in a world with widows and orphans and they are to do something to help these people (in addition to keeping their minds from being polluted by the world!). And by golly, if it takes the tears and the frustrations that have made my soul feel like a thousand ice storms, I'll do it.

In addition, I heard Shane Claiborne speak on Thursday night. He is one of my favorite authors and "Irresistible Revolution" really spoke into my life concerning community living and sharing with the Church. Hearing him speak did the same thing. God started taking my anger (even though I was still very angry that night) and reworking it to open my mind and my eyes to see what He's doing. Shane talked a lot about thinking creatively about the world. Since I am a Christian (although I do not act like it a lot of the time and for that I am sorry), I am different. Look at Jesus. Was He normal? Did He do anything normal according to anyone's standards? Even those closest to Him (His disciples) didn't understand Him (Peter for a long time thought He was to be their political messiah, and let's not even touch on Judas...) but they knew they were different as well. The truth is, we cannot be like the world. If we are friends of the world, if we become like the world and just blend in with society, we are enemies of God.

James 4:4
"You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God."

So what makes us different? How are we to be different? Well, we need to think creatively, look at injustice differently, practice mercy and most of all, show love... in every circumstance.

John 13:35
"By this everyone will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another."

So I began to ponder as I continued through my week. I still ponder and try to put all of these thoughts that are still forming down in type. How can I, with so much of my time spent at work, be to the orphans and widows what God has called me to be? How can I clothe and feed those who spend their lives trying to survive all while trying to awaken the sleeping church? These thoughts are overwhelming.

James 1:27
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

Matthew 25:37-40
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’"

Revelation 3:16-17
"So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of My mouth. You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked."

Had I become the very person I never wanted to be? Had I forgotten what it was like to live out of the trunk of my car, having a place to sleep only because others invited me in? Am I wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked about God and faith? Am I not seeing the whole picture? AND HOW IN THE WORLD DO I BALANCE ALL OF THIS?!

The long, still drawing out answer started coming from God's mouth on Friday night as my roommate and I spent the evening with three awesome kids. At one point in the night, the oldest (in Kindergarten) pulled out a dilapidated folder from a backpack with one strap and more holes than zippers. As he read words like "the," "girl," and "cat" to me, I couldn't help but notice how amazingly bright this kid is. He wants to learn. He loves school. He absorbs all information put in his path, including how to react to others. He is a natural leader, more mature than almost any Kindergartener I know... and yet who knows how far he will be able to go all because of a stupid thing called money. So be creative... this is an injustice, something our world uses to show value. Then I'm called to show this Kindergartener that he is thee most valuable thing in the world and that our God loves Him- he is God's favorite!

Saturday came and I was again with kids in the morning, doing a service project to feed the hungry (or at least supply them with some tasty treats and some encouragement!). Bringing the city to the suburbs. Bringing the hurt into the comfort, the panic of living in poverty to the calm winter's day spent warm in a church basement. Only a few people came... but it's a start. It's God beginning to break the lukewarmness of the Church with two families who came and served. Two families who saw the need to show their kids what loving God, doing justice, and having faith truly means. They went out of their way to do it and I can only imagine that this is going to have a huge impact on the lives of these children. The truth is, these kids want to serve Jesus. They love helping others. But all too often we don't give them the raw materials to do so. Even though they're small, they're still the Church and seek to be the Church, more than many adults.

Matthew 18:2-5, 10
"He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me... See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven."

I am supposed to teach these kids every Sunday- these kids who have such an incredible faith that I can't compare. I'm supposed to teach them. They teach me, all the time. Even the kids I am around outside of Sunday School constantly teach me. I am striving to be like them in their faith- to be like Jesus, no questions asked. If the Bible tells us to do it, let's do it! Why, because we love God, duh!

Yet here I am as an adult. Faith like an adult because, well, because I'm rational, darn it. Because the world tells me that I am supposed to doubt everything (with the exception of that feeling called love which is labeled "lust" in God's Word), question any rules and regulations put on me. I mean, I went to one of thee most liberal colleges in the state of Minnesota where we were all about protesting and making sure the government passes all the legislature that we see fit. We know what's right because, well... because we as adults do. That's why. But wait! Think creatively!

Sunday came. I went to church at the end of an ice storm. I learned at Sunday School from the Church made up of people 10 years or more younger than me. I went to a church service, where I couldn't focus, couldn't pray, couldn't mean any of the words coming out of my mouth, but could go through the motions.

From there I went to another church service. I had an overwhelming amount of anxiety (and still do as I think about this church service) about being there. God took it away with His Word and calmed the ice storm as I stood in His presence, blessed with the flame in Song of Solomon 8:6-

"Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the LORD."

The sermon was about being different, about being a counterculture as Christians. Funny, isn't it? God sometimes hits us over the head with things when He wants us to hear them.

The end of the service came. The anxiety arose and didn't leave as a friend sat me down to dinner. I wanted to puke, scream, pass out, run away... anything to get me away from that table. I did not want to listen to anything he was saying or anything God was saying to me. But Craig Gross says it best in "Starving Jesus"-

"J.R. and I have this thing about honesty. We believe the biggest problems with Christians isn't about filling the pews or worrying about the next big series campaign. Honesty- that's the church's number one struggle... Honesty has been replaced by our needs for fulfilled dreams, passions, and minute-to-minute wants."

If I can't practice honesty with a friend, then I can't practice it within the Church. If I can't let the fortress around me crumble even a little bit, how do I expect anything to change? If I can't let God tear my walls down, then my fruit will be bad fruit because I'm not relying fully on Him. I'm not trusting Him with myself, with my life... how do I expect Him to entrust me with the lives of others? How can I serve or show His love if I am putting Him into a tower in my fortress, telling Him to stay there? I can't, and I won't. And I guess that's the purpose of this whole blog.

Sure, I don't have it all figured out. I don't know how God is going to play out His Word in my life, but I know that I definitely cannot be angry about it... I mean, there's nothing to be angry about at all! But I also know that I can't just sit here and be lazy about doing His will.

"Go and make disciples, share clothing and food, help the widows and orphans, think creatively about justice, keep your mind from being polluted by the world, and shake the sleeping giant known as the Church... just trust Me to do it all with the broken body I have given you."

Funny Stories from the desk of a Children’s Minister

For the first time this year, I did not have to teach a Sunday School class for our small group time. I was STOKED. I mean, I love teaching, but I wanted to wander the classrooms, get a few pictures and see what the teachers needed help with in their classrooms. I reached one class and sat down to chat with the kids for a while. We started doing highs and lows, which is something we do every Sunday with our kids. “What’s one thing you liked about this week?” I asked, fully expecting to hear about birthday parties or fun outings with their parents. But one little girl chimed in and said, “I like the thing we did about the Way, the Truth, and the Life.” I was floored. After we signed the Bible verse together (which was the verse from two weeks prior), I was in awe at how many of these kids remembered it. It was one of those moments that reminded me that even if they don’t seem like they are fully understanding it, even when they moan and groan about having to be at Sunday School, they are getting the take home message. The Holy Spirit is working in their hearts and inspiring them daily. And they are SUCH a blessing to me.

One Sunday, we were talking about Peter’s miraculous escape from jail (found in Acts 12). As I was trying to figure out what to do for a lesson in our large group meeting time, I decided to simply tell them the story. After all, I have a TON of energy (and with kids around I have even more), so I figured I could probably make the story fun in some way or another.

As I started the story, I realized that this was a story I could potentially get all of the kids to act out with me. So we all became Peter. We fell asleep, we drowsily were walked out of prison by the angel, we showed up at the house the disciples were gathered at. It was so fun to watch and be a part of. I wish I had it on video to watch it again!

All of our offering money from Sunday School is going to an organization called Bring Me Hope. This amazing organization hosts Summer Camps for orphans in China every summer, bringing them out of the orphanages they reside in and giving them a week to be kids, have fun, play, and hang out with people who love and care about them. As we were preparing to meet one of the people who play an intricate part of this organization, I decided that one Sunday we would watch part of the documentary they made about a little girl named Hannah. One of the Sunday School families was spending a weekend at their cabin, but when the kids found out that we were watching part of the documentary that Sunday, they told their parents that they had to be in Sunday School that week. As a result, the whole family made the three hour drive back to church on Sunday morning.

My favorite part about this job is getting to know each and every kid. It’s kinda hard with over 100 kids signed up for Sunday School, but there are some kids who seek me out and try hard to have a friendship with me. With these kids I have become something of a celebrity... they get SUPER excited when they see me. One little boy in particular makes me smile every time. When he sees me in the morning, he gets a big smile on his face and his cute cheeks smoosh until you can hardly see his eyes. He never says much to me, besides giving me a hug and looking at me. I was able to co-teach in his classroom one Sunday and he just thought that was the greatest thing. For me, the greatest thing was actually talking with him that Sunday, hearing what he knew and understood about our story and getting to know him a little bit better.

My thoughts

Oh how I long to be like David! How I long to hear God's voice, audibly telling me what to do. I would no longer have any qualms about where He is or Who He is or what He wants me to do... I would be so fully and utterly consumed by Him and His will and HIS VOICE that all else would fall by the wayside.

But wait... what's that large-ish book sitting in my room? Oh yeah, The Holy Bible. Or in my case, The Lutheran Study Bible. Whatever version you have, whatever the publisher wanted to call it, it remains the same thing...

GOD'S WORD.

HIS VOICE.

Open it up, let Him talk to you. Read what He has to say to you today. Let the law and the Gospel be written on your heart and on your arm and on your forehead.

Hrm.

How to say the words I don't want to say. How to describe the ideas in my head.

Maybe I just won't.

Spiders

I am afraid of spiders. I don't like them at all. When one is in the room, I am so scared of it that usually I can't even kill it. I can't approach it at all. If it comes near me I scoot around it, giving it it's room. I know of it's existence but I don't want anything to do with it.

I think that's how I am with relationships- any kind of relationship. I know they exist, but anything more than face value scares the crap out of me. If a friend approaches my comfort zone, I put up a wall. I can't even get close to people because I'm afraid of who they may find me to be.

It's the same with every person, minus one. My friendship with this person FREAKS ME OUT but living without it right now isn't an option. I'm absolutely terrified and I have no clue why I tell this person the things I do, especially when there seems to be little vulnerability back at times (I attribute this to crazy schedules and lack of time to actually have a conversation). I know I have made the biggest mistakes in my relationship with this person out of fear, but I pray now that our relationship will be a healthy one, centered around Christ, constantly pushing each other toward Him.

And I pray that all my relationships will be that way, but we'll take baby steps for now.

Adulthood.

Adulthood means you have to pay bills. Which means you have to work. Which means you have to hold some type of a job. Which means you have to have some responsibility.

Basically, adulthood is like the book, "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie".

Truth.

Tired. SO TIRED.

Some days I am just exhausted... and then I realize I have to get up for work in the a.m. Does that ever happen to you? No good.

Some days.

Some days are just plain weird. Today was one of them.

Got up, out of my bunk for the first time. I'm on the top bunk now. I rather enjoy it, it brings back a lot of good memories from my childhood (which, by the way, was spectacular). But this morning, since I didn't want to get up (my body has been in a state of revolt for the past week), getting down that bunk bed made me feel like I was 50 years old. I'm not even 25 yet, thank goodness.

Anyway, I left late for work, still got there only a minute late, and stayed an hour later than I usually do. Had fun, even got to talk to one of my besties on the phone for a few minutes at work. Yay! And I got to go on a bike ride with the youngest nanny kid today. So fun.

Then work was done and it was time to go home. Since I have no fresh fruit or veggies at home (which, with bread, consists of 98% of my diet), I had to go to the grocery store. While there, I decided to stop in at the bank. My roommate gave me her check to put in my account (rent was due!) and that was a big to do. I found myself explaining my roommate's situation to a banker who I don't really like (and was over ecstatic when they switched me to a different one when I opened my account).

So I ended up getting my flu shot, finding some stuff for The Rockplex, buying a new pink dress (that I'm gonna wear tomorrow! Yay new dresses!), and then heading home, realizing I forgot salad dressing and laundry soap. What a dork I am. So I had to stop at another grocery store.

And now I have poles against the attic door because I thought I heard something rummaging around up there. It was freaking me out. Luckily, this guy named Josh (who I have never met, mind you), doesn't think I'm too crazy and asked if it was a killer. Ridiculous.

So I finally get home, have some dinner, work a little bit on random stuff, and our sink decides to get plugged by a shoe insole and the water from the washer gushes on the floor. Our landlord runs up our back stairs to our duplex because it's raining in his part of the duplex... oops. We are such blondes.

But as I was thinking about it, I was thinking about how that is so me. I mean, that nasty, brown, dirty water was spilling over the sides from something that should have been good... getting our clothes clean.

Sometimes I do things I think are good. I plan them out, set to do them, and nothing good comes out of them... it says in the Bible that none is good but God. So if it ain't coming from God, it's not good. Most of those supposedly "good" things come from myself. I want to do them, so I do. And what come out of them? Icky stuff. And it overflows til I can't handle it anymore and I'm on my hands and knees with a towel trying to clean up the mess.

God, forgive my feeble attempts at serving You. Make my life new, help me listen to You.

Oh good God. REALLY. OH GOOD, GOD!

So God and I. We're pretty... okay right now, I guess. I mean, He's always working on me and putting things on my heart.

And for some reason, I really don't want to blog right now. I just don't. It doesn't sound like fun. So I leave you with this:

"Whatever you do, work at it with your whole heart, as working for the Lord." -Colossians 3:23

Day 11.

A Deceased person you wish you could talk to.

Dear Charles Dickens,

I'm still bitter towards you. You ruined my college career. All I wanted was James Joyce. JAMES JOYCE! NOT YOU! I'm gonna punch you in the gut now.

Sincerely,

A broken-hearted academic

It'll be okay.

I keep telling myself that.

But the more and more I look at it, the more pain I feel.

I hate feelings.

But I really screwed this one up.

"There's no more second chances, no more free turns. You accomplished what you set out to do

and now you must simply learn."

Day 10.

Dear Someone (I don't talk to as much as I'd like),

This sucks. Let's be friends.

Love,

Jenessa

I wrote this to a beloved brother/shepherd the other day...

So, I recently took a job at my church. I've felt God calling me back there for a while but never wanted to go back. I saw it as a very spiritually dead place.

But being back there I realize that's not true. It's just sleeping, waiting for the moment when God says, "ENOUGH! You are MY CHURCH! MY BRIDE! AWAKEN! BE ALIVE!" and the Holy Spirit is gonna come in all His glory, to a few, then to more, until when the Gospel is preached and the Word is spoken and people will be shaken. This may be foreboding ill, but the Word divides joints and marrow... I wouldn't doubt if that happens here.

Anyway, I was bumming because I felt like the only person there who really believes in the Holy Spirit... I mean, REALLY believes in Him. Knows and interacts with Him on a daily basis, relies on Him for inspiration and strength. I know it was the devil getting me down, but I really did feel that way. Then I started talking with one of my co-workers. He is the same way I am and attended the Holy Spirit Conference and such. I found out that there are 4 other people in our church that are the same way. I started finding out that many pastors in the LCMS are realizing that the Holy Spirit is alive and active and blesses us from generation to generation to carry out the great commission as found in the Gospel of Mark. Some are being thrown out of the church while other churches are becoming Spirit-filled and spreading the Gospel without bounds.

There's two ways you can respond to the Gospel. Revival or riot. You either change or shoot the guy who was saying it. There is NO ROOM for complacency, not when a war is being waged for your soul. And now we're starting to see it in the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod. The question is... are we gonna ignore the prompting of the Holy Spirit? Or follow His guide?

I will not be silent.

I will shake the foundation of this place until only the Cornerstone remains.

Thoughts are generally frowned upon.

GAH.

As Christians, we expect God to do everything for us. To give us an easy life because of Him. To never have hardships, trials, persecutions because we're living with His Spirit. NEWSFLASH. The Parakletos (the Holy Spirit, manifested in us) was given as a COMFORTER and HELPER, afterall, that's what Parakletos means in the Greek. How far we have gotten off of this route frustrates me greatly. How lazy the Church has been, how lazy I've been, how unwilling I have been to do His will makes me angry.

It is true, we are nothing without God. We can't do anything that has even an ounce of good in it outside of Him. It is only with Him that we can do anything that resembles good (afterall, only God is good- Mark 10:18), but we also have to realize that we have been given free will and that we live in a fallen world. God did not call us to be lazy, that's not why He gave us the Parakletos. He gave us the Parakletos BECAUSE we live in this fallen world that so desperately needs Him. This world beats His Name, even if they don't realize it. They cry out for Him everyday, blinded to the fact that the One they need is right in front of them, behind them, all around them every second. He gave us the Parakletos that we may show this world that their every breath is a gift of God, that He is the only Truth. Ever. That true JOY is found in Him and with Him, we have true life. The Holy Spirit was given to believers (and is continually given to us to this day- Acts 2:38-39) with the mission of GO AND DO! (Mark 16:15-20).

So why are churches dead? Why are we sleeping? Why is my heart crying out for EVERYONE who bears His Name to be so-called "radical" for Him and I see no one doing it? Why am I not doing it? I am rooted, I have His blessing, WHERE ARE MY ACTIONS?

Oh God, I am on my knees before you. Forgive my insolence. Forgive my pettiness. Forgive me for forgetting the Parakletos and Your Mission for us.

Oh God, save us from being lukewarm.

I have never shook so hard while typing something.

This just complicated everything so much more.

God, give me the strength to do what is right, to follow Your will and to search Your Guide for the answer.

Day 9.

Dear Aaron Gillespie-Someone I wish I could meet,

You are amazing. I just want to shake your hand and then bask in the greatness of all you are.

Love,
Jenessa

A simple prayer.

God, give me a heart that beats for You and You alone.

Day 8.

Dear Favorite Internet Friend,

I don't have one of you. Every single person I have on my facebook account I have met personally.

Wait, I take that back.

Dear Josh,

You're pretty awesome and your faith is so inspiring. Thanks for being so apparent, even just on your facebook account. Some day I hope our paths cross!

Doulos,
Jenessa

PS- your fotagrafy is purdy.

Day 7.

Dear last ex-boyfriend,

You are amazing. Really. You astound me. I enjoy hanging out with you, going on hikes with you, watching "Arrested Development" with you, having random conversations with you about our families or just life in general. I can't believe you put burrs in my hair that one time. I'm gonna get you back for that.

I am so blessed to be good friends with you still. I thank God that we are civil and even enjoy being around each other even though we're not together anymore.

I just pray that some day you can thank the same God with me.

Love,

Me.

Day 6.

Dear Stranger,

I've seen you the past two days now and I just want you to know that I think you're a big teddy bear. I think I could walk up to you and hug you and you would give an amazing hug back. Your zombie act doesn't fool me, Mr. Man.

Love,

Jenessa

Day 5.

Your dreams.

Dear Dreams,

I've learned not to hold on to you too tightly because most of the time God has different plans for me so you get changed a lot. I hope you don't mind.

Sincerely,
Jenessa

Day 4.

Your sibling (or closest relative)

Dear Anna, Cristina, and Melena,

For as much hell as you guys gave me growing up, I feel that I've turned out pretty okay. I mean, you three pretty much threw every trick in the book at me. In your defense, it made me less gullible!

Anna, I remember crying when you left for college. That was a hard change for me. I don't remember when the other two left, but typically, you fought on my side. At least that's how I remember it. Thanks for always being there for me and being my closest sibling although you're ten years older than me. You are so strong and so awesome!! Your kids are incredible and I only wish that you lived closer.

Melena and Tina, I'm glad you both realized that I have grown up... at least a little bit. I know we were never best of friends, but as time progresses it seems like I'm able to hang out and talk with both of you more than I ever was able to before. Thank God. Both of you are hilarious and great to be around... Melena, your art and your wit get me every time. Tina, I'm jealous of your amazing musicianship and your ability to make talk with anyone... even if you don't like them.

Keep being yourselves, keep loving and serving the God who Mom and Dad introduced us to years ago. Keep seeking after Him and raise your families to know and love Him as well!

Your littlest most annoying sister,
Jenessa

Rain Showers.

So, tonight I was driving home. It was one of those nights when you run out to your car because the rain has tapered off momentarily and you have those few moments to get into your car and head out on your merry way. So, I was driving home after the escapade of actually getting into my car and it was raining... a nice light rain, nothing I couldn't deal with on the road. I mean, sure, it was an inconvenience, annoying, but nothing that stopped me from going forward or even slowing down.

Then, suddenly, out of nowhere... WHOOSH. It starts monsooning all over my car. Great. I can hardly see, everything feels like it's going in slow motion and it seems like I'll never get out of this torrential and sudden rainfall. So I start praying, "God, just get me home safely. Please." I couldn't pull over because I have no flashers. I couldn't go the same speed because it was impossible. I just wanted to get home.

And then just as suddenly as it started, it's gone. Done. Hardly sprinkling.

I think God works like that a lot. He knows that in life we have minor distractions, like the light rain, but it's nothing that doesn't keep us from going forward. But when the monsoons come and you know you can't just pull over and stop, it's everything you can do to keep going. Even when it feels like the end, like you just don't know if you can move anymore, God is there and His grace and the strength He provides is more than enough.

See, too often I think our prayers are weak. "Lord, just get me home," as compared to, "Lord, in Your power and might, I ask that you stop this rain from affecting our forward progress." God can and will provide in abundant ways, if we would only ask. Because honestly, home (as in heaven) will be great, but our journey here is worth something too. When we can rely on God and ask Him for His provision and blessing, our lives become something that those outside of the faith want to be a part of. When they see what our God can do during a storm, they want to live a life that is infused with Him. Not because it's easy, but because God is the only solution. Ever.

"Lord, in Your power and might, I ask that you stop this rain from affecting our forward progress that we may be a people on fire for You. Release us from the hindrances this world throws at us, in Your Name."

Day 3.

Your parents.

Dear Momma and Daddy,

You two are so incredible. Even though you may not understand why I am the way I am and you may think I am altogether completely loca, you let me do my thing anyway. I cannot thank God enough for you two. You raised me to love Jesus with my whole heart and you are a constant reminder to me that serving Him is all that matters.

You gave me a beautiful childhood filled with so many amazing memories of spending quality time together. I know a lot of kids can't say that, but I am so blessed that I can. Dad, thank you for burning off your arm hairs, scaring away skunks, and nailing raccoons with slingshots in the middle of the night. Mom, thanks for always being there to take Dad to urgent care.

You are my calm in the storm, you are my greatest supporters and my most realistic critics. You two are my role models, the way I want my marriage to be when I am your age... if I am married by then. All the words in the world couldn't describe how much I love you and appreciate you. You are my rock in this world. Thank you to heaven and beyond.

Love from your youngest and most annoying daughter,
The Cruise Director

Day 2.

Day 2- Your crush

Dear Crush,
I thought I had one of you, but it turns out I don't (Aaron Gillespie and Aaron Weiss are forever the exceptions). I mean, what's the point of throwing your heart out there just to have it stamped down? What's the point of pining after someone if there is no chance they will ever reciprocate your admiration? There isn't any.
Crush, I'm glad you're dead to me. You'll stay that way. Dead.
Love,
Jenessa

My friend, Grayson, is rad-tastic.

heh.

Anyway, he's doing this and so I decided to do it on my blog. It might be interesting.

Write one letter a day for the next 30 days. Write them to:

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
You can either send it to them (anonymously or personally) or keep them to yourself.

He posted them with photos, if I think of it I will. Most of the time I'll probably be too tired (like I currently am) to do that.

So here we go!

Dear Best Friend,
I don't know if I have one of you right now. I just have a lot of good friends. Praise Jesus.
Love,
Jenessa

C.

My dear friend Charessa (my sister... who I have never met) is in the hospital with an aneurysm. Please please pray.

I met Charessa last fall when I tried to book a date for "Adopt-a-Jesus" to come up to Morris. She called me one day, kinda out of the blue (but God knew what He was doing) and the rest is history. From October through December we talked pretty much daily (sometimes several times a day) and became quite close. Since we both stopped working on the AAJ tour(s), we haven't been in touch as much but I have been trying to find time to head out to West Virginia to see her and her husband, Bob, and their three children, Starr, Stormie, and Che.

This woman, is a mother, a sister, a daughter, a teacher, and a friend. She is so passionate and driven... even if she's not exactly sure how something will work out, she's not afraid to try it and see what happens. She is a strong Christian and lives out her faith daily. She honestly is an inspiration and a joy to every person she comes in contact with.

Please pray for complete healing and for her sight to be restored. Pray that her spirits stay lifted and her heart light. Pray for her family as they continue to be a huge support for her, that their strength may never falter and that they may turn to God for all their needs.

Thanks guys! I know prayer does big and beautiful things and I know God hears our prayers. Let's send up a chorus to Him for C and her family! For more information about what's going on with her, her brother-in-law, Brandon, has been keeping up his blog with information.

All else just fades away.

If you've ever had one of those moments where your eyes are no longer blind and you can see everything so perfectly and clearly like you were supposed to all along you'll understand this blog.

So far, I have been so concerned with my affairs. What's happening to me, how I'm feeling. Here's the kicker: IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I know you guys probably think that's a bad thing to say, but think about it. If I try to truly model my life after Christ, I wouldn't be here moping my severed relationships I have because of my self-centeredness, I would be celebrating another day that I am alive to do His work, to trust Him, to show Him love, to praise Him with my life.

Think about it. On the cross, Jesus didn't sit there and complain about His situation (and let's face it, it was infinity times infinity times worse than any situation I'm ever going to be in) and obviously mope about it... He asked His Father to forgive us because we suck. Figuratively, not literally. If Christ can do that amidst pain and complete spiritual anguish, why can't I, in my life, do the same? Why can't I think about others instead of myself?

Curse my sinful nature that it makes me do things I do not want to do.

I wonder what's going to become of me.

"With our hands up high we're screaming 'Whoa oh oh oh oh,' and with our feet with stomp a cadence for You."

Thank you to The Almost. Perfect timing.

This last week has been intensely hard. And I made it that way. For some reason, I always think that when I'm truly joyful, something must be wrong... all of the ways He has tried to get my attention and tell me what's up, I didn't take it to heart. I've made this mess. I prayed that He would save me, but He didn't. And I didn't understand why. I chose flight instead of fight. I am a fighter, but I had enough. God, understand me. Understand that I'm human. My humanity causes me to falter. You gave me more than I could handle. Please be patient with me as I let you guide and direct me to piece my mind back together. I do want to fight, but sometimes I struggle... more often than not. Give me strength unattainable by any human means.

In other news, I'm house hunting and taking care of three dogs and two cats this week/end. Yipeeeeee! And next weekend is time at the folks' house and then the next weekend is a Sioux City run to see Becca and the boys. I am so excited to start the Sunday School year off on the right foot with lots of good fellowship and time with those people God has put in my life. I cannot tell you how excited I am about the months of August and September.

Annnnnd... new photos up on my flickr.

This is my story... which now belongs to God.

“Faith like a child.” I remember hearing this phrase used in Sunday School when I was, say, around four years old. Every week (and I was there every week, without fail, thanks to some very dedicated parents) we would get a full color sheet with a Bible story on it and one particular Sunday’s was about having the faith of a child. The front picture had Jesus with a little kid on His lap and tons more surrounding Him. Jesus looked just like I always thought He should- you know, white dude with deep brown hair blending in with his carefully matched beard. It wasn’t until later that that picture in my head was torn down. But I remember the teacher telling us that Jesus wanted us to have faith like children.

You know when you’re a kid and someone tells you something- you believe it. It could be anything and you would take their word for it without any kind of qualm or problem. And if you weren’t that kind of kid, I’m sorry. There is a lot of fun and beauty in innocence. I was one of those kids and know a lot of them. Most people would say I was gullible, but as a kid, you trust without any doubts that what people say is true. For me, it was the same with the Bible. When my Sunday School teacher told us that Jesus wants us to maintain the unswerving faith of a child, I couldn’t understand why anyone WOULDN’T believe Jesus was real and the Bible was true. I couldn’t understand why you WOULDN’T believe in Jesus as your Savior. It was a crazy notion to me. There were people in the world who didn’t actually believe that Jesus died for them? WEIRD.

I went through grade school at the Lutheran school connected to the Lutheran church (in the sanctuary of which I am currently typing this story), always going to church with my parents, always having the faith of a child. 8th grade hits. If you know anything about how Lutheranism works, you are baptized as a baby (if your parents brought you to be baptized then) into the Christian faith and when you hit those awkward pre-teen years you are forced to memorize what seems like the most pointless things on the face of the earth and told to go to events that are way out of your comfort zone with people you rather not see or hang out with. Ever. Okay, so maybe it was different for other kids, but for me this form of punishment was called confirmation. Luckily, I could memorize things pretty fast and most of the time I could work my mom so she wouldn’t make me go to all the events. In fact, I worked her so well that she didn’t even make me go to the confirmation meetings on Wednesday nights. After all, she sent me to that school so I could get my religious learnin’ during the day from synodically trained teachers. Once a week (conveniently on Wednesday mornings) we were taught a lesson in chapel by Pastor. Our whole school day revolved around religious activities- why make my whole night revolve around more religious activities with people I hated being around? Man, I was good at making my mom do what I wanted to. I wonder if she knows that. Sorry Mom. You were always right.

Yet there was something about church that I couldn’t quite place. Something bigger than me. Something that, when we would walk out the door after church, I could feel. I knew was real. It was something bigger than me, bigger than the building... and it made me EXCITED to be there. Excited to be a part of it all and even more excited to get older so I could be even more of an active role in this bigger thing, whatever it was.

I guarantee it was that feeling of something bigger that kept me coming back in later years.

I went through confirmation, took the big test at the end that proved that I held all the head knowledge of my faith and Confirmation Day grew closer and closer. I could feel something (what I now attribute to the Holy Spirit) telling me not to be confirmed yet... He told me that I didn’t know what I was professing, that my faith wasn’t my own and that I wasn’t ready for this leap yet. He said that I didn’t know what faith was. But my parents wanted me to be confirmed. Everyone thought I had faith and that I was strong in it. I had to do it. I had to keep up the appearance that I knew what I was doing and that everything was great in the Christian area of my life. So I was confirmed on Confirmation Sunday. In front of the whole congregation, my family and friends, my peers who had gone through the same studies and test with me, in front of God and everyone gathered- I professed my faith and my allegiance to God and the Lutheran Church. Nothing in my life has ever felt so wrong and to this day I wish I hadn’t ignored the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Had I known it was Him, would I have listened? Probably not- I have always been about keeping up appearances. If everything looks fine to everyone else around you, it must be fine within you. At least, that’s what I’ve always believed.

I sit here and type this and I want to puke. God, I don’t want to tell my story. This is hard. I don’t want this level of vulnerability with anyone, even this paper- even You. I don’t want to tell You this stuff because I’m afraid You’re gonna be mad at me. And I just don’t want to disappoint You... but I already have. If I come clean with everything on this paper, will You forgive me? Will You see me for me and still love me? Will others love me when I show them this story? Will it bring You glory? God, grant me the strength to finish and perservere. The devil has no domain here- Your will be done in my life, that everything I do and everything I say would be for Your glory and Yours alone.

Back to the story.

I think a lot of my problems stemmed from not following the Holy Spirit that day. Suddenly, it was my choice whether or not I would listen to the prompting. I must have ignored it for years... in fact, I think I still do far too often. I wonder now what would have happened if I had just refused to be confirmed or if I had told my Mom that I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it yet. I wonder what would have happened if I had listened to Him. Would I be here today? Would I have made all of the mistakes I did at the times I did? Would my life be so much less broken if I had decided that day that my faith was not yet my own but rather the faith my parents had always brought me up in? What would Pastor have said if I told him that the head knowledge was not my heart knowledge and that I wasn’t truly in love with Christ?

What would people say now if they knew I wasn’t fully in love with God? What would they say if they knew I stumbled on a regular basis? Would I have any friends left, or would I be left alone?

So I went through high school, going to church and Bible study even when my parents didn’t. I even got a job at the school, hanging out with the grade schoolers after they were done with school every day. I was always there, always doing something. When I wasn’t there, I was hanging out with my Lutheran friends from my Lutheran high school or going to a Christian concert at a Christian club. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of those things, but when your sole purpose in life is to look like the super Christian and appear good to everyone else, there is. I would play bass in church on Sundays because I liked to have people think that my relationship with God was so good. I would lie about dumb questions in Bible study about my faith to make it look like Him and I were tight. I did everything a Christian should do. I went through the motions... and found no joy in them.

Suddenly I found myself facing college. Of course I wanted to go into church work and be a Youth Director- I mean, I was SO SERIOUS about my faith and had my life figured out because God and I were BFFs (every sarcasm intended- my relationship with God was anything but good at that time). For some reason, I’m still not sure how I ended up going to the University of Minnesota, Morris. It just... happened. I may have to ask my parents about it later. Part of it probably had to do with the fact that one of my favorite Christian bands was from that area, but other than that, I really can’t figure out why I ended up there. But I did.

And it was awful.

Well, that’s halfway true.

I went into my Freshman year of college completely terrified. I mean, everything scared me. I even had a countdown going in my head to the day I moved up there and everytime I thought about it, I grew more and more apprehensive about the idea. Luckily I knew my roommate- she was friends with a few mutual friends in high school, even though she went to the local public high school (ooooo, watch out for that one!) she was still pretty cool and we seemed to get along well. I almost told my parents a few times that I actually didn’t want to go to college... which was not really the whole truth, I was just scared of new situations and any kind of change... especially the kind that meant leaving my family and our dial-up internet connection. Alright, maybe it wasn’t hard to leave the AOL dial-up, but it was hard to leave my parents. They had always been my rock and now it felt like the rock I went home to every day was being taken out from underneath me. Up until this time I had been able to depend on them for everything- food, clean clothes, lights, a warm bed, a car, a phone, and most importantly, my faith. Everyone down at home knew me as Mike and Cindy’s daughter and expected me to be a solid Lutheran. Where I was going no one knew me. No one was there to hold me accountable and I definitely couldn’t trust my public school roommate to do that for me (no offense Kim, I love you dearly. I was just a delusional private school girl when you got to know me).

And so I went to school. I hated it and went home as often as possible. I wanted to switch to a music school and go for music business. But somehow, through the whole first semester, I kept up the charade of being a Christian and living a Christian life, even though I had no clue what it meant. For the first time ever I had drugs and sex closer than ever before and I still didn’t do them (minus the boy I messed around with once in October of that year, but I was so scared by that that I thought I would never do it again... but that didn’t last long), but I still didn’t know what being a Christian was. And then I met a boy. He became my boy, well, my boyfriend, that is. Good Catholic boy, full of value and morals and all sorts of goodness. Our relationship was strong and it was beautiful. And yes, I miss him a lot- probably because he was the first boy I ever truly liked as more than a friend and the first boy who ever truly liked me back as more than a friend. He put up with me and my crazy antics and was the calm to my storm. He was also my excuse to ignore the calling placed on my heart by the Holy Spirit. Our relationship became a physical relationship and while we still talked often, it was my sole reason in being with him. When we kissed, slept in the same bed (believe it or not, we never had sex), or just cuddled with each other I was getting that sense of belonging and love that every fiber of my physical worldly self wanted. But what I needed was to take that sense of belonging and need for love and realize that God was the only One that could fulfill that.

Finally, God called me out of that relationship. I made up some lie about being with someone else (who I hardly knew) and that was it. I was out. I didn’t know why I felt such an urgency to be out of there, but I did. I knew I shouldn’t have lied about it, but I did that too. But instead of turning to God, things got worse. I found websites I shouldn’t have and was suddenly hooking up with guys I had never met. Never anything more than intense passionate kissing, but it was enough for me to know that what I was doing was wrong. I knew no one would ever find out, I knew I could get away without anyone ever knowing and I could continue to appear to have a Christian life and everything all put together with mine and God’s relationship. And up until this point, I have. Over the last two years, I have met four guys over the internet and ended up kissing each of them. Three of them I never talked to again after that night and the fourth, when I told him that I was actually a Christian and wanted him to be saved, he told me goodbye. Some witness I was. In addition, I also found another boyfriend for a short time who satiated my physical needs and made me forget the prompting of the Holy Spirit for God to be the love of my life. I sing the songs about His love being all I need and Him being able to satisfy me fully- but do I honestly believe that? Do I honestly believe that since I cannot seem to control myself that God will give me someone to love for the rest of my earthly life? Do I believe that He will give me that person I can do ministry with and our relationship will be with Him as well? Do I not trust God enough to provide and satisfy and bless? Some Christian I am.

It is because of all of this that I find myself at the point I am now. Unwilling to settle for anything less than what my Father has for me. My Father knows best- I know that. I KNOW that. I believe it. I love Him, He loves me. His love sustains me. He knows my heart, sees my faults, and loves me anyway. He forgives me every time I screw up. I believe in redemption. I believe in taking that forgiveness that He gives me and changing my life to fit His plan and live within the bounds He has set for me as a daughter. And I know that when I do that, my life will be lived to the fullest possible extent. Thanks be to God for putting up with me and loving me through it all.

Thanks be to God for giving me faith and making my life into a ministry... both to be ministered to and to serve with.

Youth. And Ministry. And other stuff.

SO, many of you know that I have been doing youth ministry for a while now. You know, hanging out with high school kids at youth group. And I enjoy it so so much. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I know a lot of people have questioned my methodology while doing youth ministry. I am a friend, a confidante, a support, someone to talk to, someone to hang out with. I am not an authoritarian, an adult, old, or someone so far removed from where these high schoolers are today. And I love that. I love joking around, doing whatever, and yes, having conversations about faith. Sure, these don't happen every day or every time I talk with people in the youth group, but they do happen. And when they do, they are so beautiful.

I am a friend. I strive to be a Godly one and a positive influence, but I will never be someone who just preaches the Bible at teens, or for that matter, kids. I will seek to influence them positively, give them Godly advice, and show them how God and faith are not things that are just a part of your life, they are your life.

People say that I will burn out and that I will get sick of doing this and of living this way. Sure, some days I just need rest, but honestly, being around people who are passionate and excited about life- there's not much better than that. Their excitement gets me excited and they teach me MORE than I could ever teach them... and more than just patience. Ha. Even if I do someday find joy no longer in teaching those younger than me about God (which I can't ever imagine), it doesn't matter. I'm doing it now. I'm being who God wants me to be now, and that's all I can do.

Desperation.

"O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. Be not far from me, for trouble is near, and there is none to help." -Psalm 22:2, 11

Why, Lord? Isn't that always the question? Please. Help me understand, help me know, help my heart to heal, help my finances to work out, help my inadequacy, help my unbelief, turn my mourning to dancing, my sorrow to joy, my strife to rejoicing. I know You're there. Answer my call. Bind up my heart, renew Your vows with me. I long to hear Your voice.

But even if You don't answer right now, even if I never know, even if they don't work out the way I want them to, I will still praise You. You are still God. You are still my Father. You are still good. You are still Love. You still show mercy. You still give grace. You still sent Your Son. You still grant me forgiveness for every fault. And I still love You. So much. So I will exalt Your name, declare to the ends of the earth what You have done! Praise be to God, the giver of all life!

No longer.

Today at church Pastor preached on freedom in Christ. This weekend, I was at the verge of bursting. The one person I turned to decided not to have enough time for me this week and as a result I felt completely abandoned and alone. All I want is one person to walk alongside me, to do ministry with me, to be my support system. But this person should not and will not replace God for my companionship and love. Last night I realized my personal intimacy with Him was lacking at best. I know this will take time and He will be working on my heart a lot in the upcoming days, weeks, months, and years, but because He is my God and I am so fully His, I know I am never alone.

"It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, to the music of the lute and the harp, to the melody of the lyre. For You, O Lord, have made me glad by Your work; at the works of Your hands I sing for joy." -Psalm 92:1-4

This is me.

I am a 22 year old who longs for revolution. A total change of mindset, a change of heart. I strive to be one of God's instruments who fights for revolution and rebirth in personal lives, including my own. My heart stutters and slugs on when I hear about people without hope. My mind floods with reasons, testimonies, Bible verses, knowledge about what He has done, is doing, and will do.

I am a failure. I fight but without the basics. I exude passion and excitement when I'm not tapping into the source. I claim Christianity, but I cannot live up to the name.

I am a sinner. My mind is influenced by the world. I fall, I become a stumbling block. My cord of three is a cord of one.

I am forgiven. Every time. So I press on towards the goal, towards a beautiful life here on earth and a perfect one in heaven.

A dream.

He comes home from my favorite music festival, Cornerstone, early. I am at a mutual friend's house, a place I find solace and have a blast every time I drive onto the property.

He approaches me and asks to marry me.

I start yelling and running away.

"Why are you here?"

"NO! No, I can't!"

And that's the end. That's the truth.

Thank You God for dreams and closing doors. Thank You God for never opening those windows again. You are good.

The Pitcher and The Glass: A true fable

In a little house on a little hill lived a pitcher. He was filled with pure, crystal-clear water and never lacked in anything because he had his friend, a glass. Whenever Glass asked for some of Pitcher's filling water, Pitcher was always willing to give. In return, Glass would give Pitcher plenty of time to be refilled and would even help him when the water was too hard or too far away for Pitcher to get on his own. It was a wonderful life. Friend helping friend, living together in harmony and enjoying one another.

But one day, things began to change. Glass started spending a little bit of time with cups... cups who thought it would be cool to be him. Glass then started referring to himself as The Glass because, after all, that's how all the cups saw him. Soon, The Glass was sharing the water he received from Pitcher with the cups. But every time his water levels started getting low, he would go back to Pitcher. Pitcher, being the good friend that he was, could not deny The Glass anything. Soon, Pitcher was unable to keep up- The Glass was taking water faster than he could be refilled. And with The Glass spending all his time with the cups, Pitcher had no help. He began to drop little hints to The Glass. "Hey, Glass, do you think we could spend some time together?" or "Glass! Hi! How about we chat for a few minutes!" but The Glass did not have time for his old friend. He was too busy with the cups.

It wasn't until Pitcher had barely two drops left of the precious water that he grew angry with The Glass. "I tried to reach out, I tried to be cool, I tried to be a friend and give you all the water you needed. But when I needed you, you refused to listen and take the time for me. Now we are both dry and neither of us have the water we need."

The Glass knew what he had done was wrong, but he did not know how to fix it. To this day he still looks for pitcher after pitcher to satiate his need for water, using them up on each passing cup and never looking back.

An Ode to the Band Wives

I could never be one of you. Having my husband, the one I share my life with, gone for weeks at a time? Not being able to see his face, hold hands and pray with him, or be in his presence? Not being there to give him a hug when he's had a long day and when nothing seems to be going correctly? No thanks. Not my cup of tea. I just don't think I would be strong enough.

I think there's something different about band wives... you know, the wives of touring band members. I think God made them a certain way and gave them this whole level of independence that far outdoes anything even the band members themselves have. We so often look at the band members and think about how cool they are, how much they are giving up and how strong they must be. WRONG. It's their women at home that hold them together and give them the strength to keep pressing on as they constantly point them back to God when the times get tough. I mean, sure, I'll give the band members some credit and say that as they continue to do ministry, they do their fair share of spiritual warfare. But without their rooted wives at home rallying the troops and praying for them, they often would not know where to turn. Their wives are their support system, the ones that they can turn to no matter what for love and acceptance... even their fellow bandmates just can't cut it in that area.

So for all the band wives I know, thank you for being strong and supporting your husband. You are loved and appreciated beyond belief. Some day, I hope I can be as strong as you all are every time you have to send your man out on the road for weeks at a time.

This is pain, this is hurt.

So often I sit here ashamed. Not of the Gospel, but of my sinful nature warring against the law written on my heart. I sit here ashamed that we Christians- people who bear the name of Christ- act as though we don't love Him.

I guess I would explain it like this.

When I was a child, I sang the words, "Jesus loves me, this I know," and I believed them. I knew them and in my heart I knew the love Jesus had for me.

So what's changed now? A lot of us are still able to sing these words and think that we believe them, but I dare to challenge that. If we knew truly knew and believed that Jesus loves us, would we behave differently than we do?

Would we have a crush on that cute boy in front of us in science class?

Would we so easily fall into temptation?

Would we ignore the promptings of the Holy Spirit and follow the promptings of this world?

Would we be so concerned with this physical life?

Would we worry?

Would we refuse to serve because it made us feel uncomfortable?

Would we worship just on Sundays?

Would our minds be filled with the pollution of this world?

Would we dress immodestly?

Would we tolerate injustice?

Would we respond to our enemies with distain?

Would we listen to secular music?

Would we forget to pray?

Would we be too busy to spend time in the Word?

God, rend the hearts of Your people back to You. Thank You for sending Love to this earth and for sacrificing Him on a tree so that we may live as people fully, passionately in love with You.

This is a call.

I don't want to be a part of a generation of Christians who are lukewarm. I want to be a part of a generation of Christians who are so in love with their God that everything they do, every moment they breathe, they are showing God and His glory. I want to be a part of a generation who has the hope of eternal life and lives life on earth to the fullest. I want to be a part of a generation of Christians who can show the world what worship looks like throughout the whole week, not just what we do in a church building on Sundays. And I want you to stand with me and make our generation one that is passionately in love with God.

Let's face it- everything in this world is warring against us. Darkness is all around us, the devil seems to have so much power over our thoughts and our actions. But our God is stronger. His love is deeper than any love this world can show us. His thoughts for us are perfect. I plead that you let Him transform your mind as His Spirit guides you in all wisdom and Truth. I pray that you would rise against the forces of darkness in this world and stand strong with His armor in place. Together, as a community with God as our lead, we can fight anything the devil can throw at us.

God, place in us passion for you and stir in us Your Spirit that our devotion to You may not be just on Sunday, but on every other day of the week.

It just took my computer four minutes to open a PSD

Dearest darlingest Macbook o' mine,
Please work with me. I promise to get you some memory and such to speed you up soon. I love you a lot and you mean a lot to me. Keep going, keep going!!
Love,
Your dearest darlingest owner


In other news, I've been working a lot on booking for Against All Odds and may also be taking another band under my wing for booking their EP release tour this fall, which would be awesome. I meet with said other band tomorrow night after their show. I am excited to be doing this as it's something I am good at and something that I can do easily. Plus, it brings in a little more money every so often, which will be nice when I move into a house August 1st.

An update on our community home:
We are for sure going to become an RYFO host house when we finally do find a place to live. Thus far it's me, Jenny, and Jenna living in the house. We're looking in South Minneapolis/St. Louis Park kind of an area as that is closest for all of us commuting-wise. We know God will show us the house to rent when it's time but right now we're just playing the waiting game. In addition, we may have another housemate (after the other two girls okay it... which I hope they do!). My friend Erin, whom I have never met, will be moving from Maryland July 1st to help with Rock the Barn and to start our home with us. I am so excited for her to become part of our odd little family, it's crazy! She seems like the perfect fit in every way possible and I know she's one of the people I have prayed for. I just can't believe all of this is finally coming together. It has been on my heart for so long and I've hit so many walls with it... to think that it's actually going to happen makes me ecstatic!! So starting August 1st, keep your eyes peeled for events, dinners, potlucks, bonfires, game nights, Bible studies, and worship sessions to be held at our humble abode somewhere within the realm of South Minneapolis.

Rock the Barn is also happening this year. I'm updating the flier for it so we can start getting the word out- it's in 39 days!! So much to do yet for it, but I know it will all be worth it. Sadly, due to insurance issues, we will have to charge for admission. But it will only be $5, so come and stay for a whole day of awesome music!! If you want more info, check out our facebook event!

I will also be auditioning for a band next week. Your prayers over that are much needed!! Once we figure out if I will be playing with them, I will let you know who they are and where I'll be playing. For the record, I am SUPER stoked about this and hope everything works out. Their music is amazing and I know I'm going to get along with the frontwoman really well. Who knows though, I may not be what they're looking for at all. God's will be done!

Oh, and the job is going well. I love the family I work for- they are a blast. I'm also trying to get a job at my church and I really hope that works out as well. We shall see!! I love being there and I am involved right now as much as I can be. I will be taking a trip to the National LCMS Youth Gathering with a couple of high schoolers in July (over Sonshine, so I won't be able to attend that) and I am so excited to be able to go and be a part of this with them. Everyone in that group has already been such a blessing to me- I can't wait to get to know them better!

That's it, that's where I'm at. I hope you liked reading this and if you didn't, well, I'm sorry. But you're still awesome anyways.