Hear me out. Please.

Just because I'm a Christian it does not mean I am superior to you, that I make better choices than you or that because of my faith I am wholly without sin and perfect.
I am just as screwed up as the rest of you.

In the following weeks you are going to find out a lot more about me than you want to know. To you Christians, I say this: I am not a stumbling block. I am meant for ministry despite my faults and my failures. My faults and my failures make my witness true and real- a connection point between me and other people who are going through the same thing. I refuse to keep up the appearance like I have it all together because honestly, I don't. And neither do you- you sin too.
To those not claiming to be of the Christian faith or to those doubting: I am going to be sharing a lot of me with you because I want you to know me for who I am not by the title given to me by my faith. I know titles can be intimidating and imply stereotypes. I want to knock those down and obliterate them as much as I possibly can. My faith is a part of who I am but just because I have it does not mean I'm perfect... I only hope you can know and see that.

Ye have been warned. Wow, that sounds intimidating!

Undertaking

Saunter
your upright profile
slightly hunched shoulders
your suit.
You walk through the mist-
You saunter.
Not fast
not slow
just perfect.
Just your back
seen by my two eyes.
I know your face
encompasses all that I fear
without seeing it
I can see it clearly.
You stare down
those I love
The eyes
penetrating to the deepest parts.
They beckon.
They hold promise.

Yet

Victory!
is not yours.
Sting!
is not yours either.
Your tyrannical reign
is no longer wanted.

Praise

Even when my eyes are dry
Even when my soul is tired
I won't leave my hands down by my side
I'll lift them up to You!
It's not about how I feel
Oh, Lord, I am here for You,
I exist for You.

-"Even When" by Seven Places

This song has been my theme song for many, many years now. I adore it, absolutely.

Dear God, even when things are crazy and hectic it's You I turn to you You I adore. Please guide my steps, put Your shield of protection all around me and those I love. I love you so, Abba God. You are the only true source of life. Please, please help me show others this fact. Give me the words to say and the way to act that really shows that You are worth living for and that Your love and hope and grace and YOU, straight up You Lord can supply everything for living this life. You are more than worth it.

God, Your will be done.

Sincerely,
Your daughter, Jenessa

The Run

For the first time I see
I see you for who, who you are
For the last time I find
The pieces on the floor.

I can't pick them up
No, I can't pick them up anymore.

Instead I run
Into the arms I know so well.
I hide in Your love
As you shelter me from myself.

I wish you could see me
See me for who, who I am
The wall is too high
The barrier too strong.

I can't break it down,
No I can't break it down anymore.

Instead I run
Into the arms I know so well.
I hide in Your love
As you shelter me from myself.

Lord come and take me
Render my heart to You.
Perfection is what I long for
As I search after you.

And so I run
Into the arms I know so well.
I hide in Your love
As you shelter me from myself.

This needs to be said.

Let's imagine something. I have a box. When I open the lid, whatever you desire the most is going to come out of it. What do you really desire, above anything else? What do you long for? What will come out of the box when I open it?
I first heard this preached as a sermon at Teen Challenge years ago. For a lot of those people new to the program, they wanted a certain type of drug or alcohol to emerge from the box.
I answered with the name of a man. What man? I don't even know now, but I remember feeling fully ashamed when I heard the rest of what was said that day and in that room.
To this day I am still ashamed by the pedestals we put the opposite sex on. We let the person we desire fill our heads, much of the time with nonsense that isn't even true.
Case in point, mainly with the ladies. Since I don't talk to guys about this kinda stuff and I am not a guy, I don't know that much about it. So I guess I'll just pick on myself and my sex/gender right now.
How many times have you thought a guy "liked" you just to find out later that he never wanted you as more than a friend? It happens all the time. We, as girls, become so fixated on a guy that we take the little things that he says and does and just blow them out of proportion in our minds. Our conversations become all about him, our time is spent on thinking about him and whenever we can, we hang out or talk to him. We get angry when we don't talk to him or when he spends time with other people and not us. We base how good our day is on how long we get to be around him or chat with him.
Straight up, this is not right.
The Bible tells us that we are to fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. Fix our eyes on Jesus. On Jesus. JESUS. Not on man, not on what this earth holds or a man that can distract us from focusing on Jesus. Think about it. If you are totally fixated on someone and looking at them, there is going to be little that could direct your attention away from that person. You're listening to what they're saying, distractions are gone. You are fixed on them. Now imagine that with Jesus. Way neat, right? Spending every waking moment wondering what He's thinking about, knowing that He's thinking about you and that He loves you more than any man ever could? Wow. We don't have to wonder if He likes us or not and fantasize about a romantic evening with Him when we already have His love and we can have a romantic evening with Him at any time (ask me how later).
Ladies, gentlemen, whoever you are reading this, please don't see this as an attack. I do this all too often as well. It takes a lot of time and effort to get out of this cycle and focus on God. I'm learning, slowly but surely. I'm learning that if I trust God with giving me a mate, it will all be better in the long run. To focus Him and find someone earthly to love through Him is the start of the best earthly relationship you could ever have.
My plea: Fix your eyes on Jesus. Give your heart to Him, He deserves your attention, your thoughts, and your time.

Simple thoughts

Just some simple thoughts from a simple minded person that scream to be written down.
I never thought I would be in this position. I mean, I never ASKED for this. I hate drama. I will do anything to avoid it. I know a lot of people say this, but I much much much rather fix something than create the problem. But that's where I get into trouble. I try to fix something and instead I end up creating so much CRAP that it's hard to sort out. Sometimes I have to know when I just can't help- all I can do is pray. And I know prayer is powerful, but sometimes it feels like a complete cop-out answer.

I try to love on people as best I can. But someone said something that got me thinking. Love is more than just glossing over a problem and ignoring it altogether. I mean, look at God's love for us. He treats us as sons and daughters (something He's been teaching me lately). This means He disciplines us like sons and daughters as well. He doesn't gloss over problems, pretending like they're not there. He punches us in the face with our problems. "Hey, let's deal with this. But not just you, because I know you're not strong enough. Let's DEAL with this. Fist fight with it, come on! I've already conquered hell and satan, I think I can help you out with this if you would let Me." I am made in His image, I strive to be like Christ. He is love and I long to love man like He does. This means not glossing over problems. This means not pretending like things are okay when they're not. This means dealing taking off the gold-plated exterior and ripping out the rotting wood inside, rendering it onto God.

This means not being a sissy about confrontation– something I am all too often.

What I do know, for sure, as a fact and what I cling on to: Christ died for me. I didn't deserve it. I'm a sinner, I fail to turn to Him for so much. I fail to communicate with Him. I hurt Him daily, even though I don't want to. I much rather bring a smile to His face, but I fail. Yet He died for me. He DIED. And then He went and fought satan in hell as if it wasn't enough to battle temptation while He was on earth. And He rose, so I could know that I have eternal life through Him and Him only. Not because of anything I've done, but because of His grace.
I love You, Abba.

My attempt

I search
I dig
I seek Your face.

But the thoughts are confusing
I find my mind
Asking
Searching
Never receiving.

It's like a child.
I close my eyes,
I hold out my hands,
I wait for the One to guide me.

I feel someone.
Tag! They're it.
It's their turn.
Their turn to figure it out.

My eyes are open
But I still search.
I search for You,
I bring the search to others
For You.

New blog

In addition to this blog, I am also starting a music blog. I have wanted to do this for a while and just decided to. Should be fun!

http://ragbagofmusic.wordpress.com/

Go, read, comment, check back often!

-Jenessa

People

As promised in an earlier blog, here is more about the people God has recently thrown into my life. I use the word "thrown" because that's exactly what it is. I'm a dense person, bad at accepting when God gives me blessings- especially people that turn out to be good friends. The friends I have come close with recently are mainly girls who God has shown me that I can trust and turn to, no matter what. These girls are people who I will never give up on, even when junk happens and sin gets in the way. These are girls I can never see myself being outside of a friendship with... it's just too strange to think about.
I have one close guy friend as well- many of you probably know who I am talking about. He is a dear brother to me- I thank God for him daily. The fact that I can have a guy close probably makes a few of you squirm, but do not fear. He is just that- a brother. A wise man of God that God threw into my life (several times, mind you, until I actually realized that hey, maybe I should try to maintain a friendship with this dude!) and called me to search the Scriptures alongside him. He is someone I see as so wise- a spiritual leader that many can turn to for Biblical counsel.
Yet he is the only person that gets me passionate about what I believe. And I mean passionate to the point of irritation. Why do I get this way? Why do I let what he says rock the my belief I have about a certain subject? Why do I find myself, at the end of every conversation, flipping through the pages of my Bible to hear what God has to say about it?
And then I realize it. It's kinda the same thing as when God throws friends at me because I'm too dense to figure it out. He's thrown this person in my life to throw me back into the Word and into the most important relationship I can have- the one with my heavenly Father, His Son, and the Holy Spirit who encourages me on this walk of faith. He gets me back to the basis of my faith through a man who is a mere mortal, throws me back into communication with Him through being still and listening rather than getting defensive about a topic I am anything but a resident expert on. He throws His Word at me and the truths within in His Word so I may learn more about Him and fall even deeper in love with Him.
He is the love of my life, my beautiful and jealous lover. In Him and through Him I have life.

I praise You, oh God, for everything you throw at this dense mind!

Classified

One happy, single man seeking one happy, single woman to make his happiness complete. I know who I am and she should too. I’m comfortable in almost every situation, incredibly easy to get along with, and would love to treat you like the princess you are. I am 100% a real man, I know how to work on cars and ride a motorcycle. I like football, but I would drop even the biggest Monday night game to give you a foot massage. I know that looks aren’t everything, and your looks don’t matter to me. A beautiful personality is a beautiful person. Serious inquiries only please.
****
I’m driving. I always drive, but never outside a ten mile radius from my home. That’s what happens when you work for a small construction company that has plenty to do within that radius. Some say our company is a monopoly on the local area, but we say it’s just all about location.
My whole being knows the border of the ten mile radius. Within that ten miles is my complete life, so why venture outside of it? My parents live there, my grade school and high school are there, and I didn’t bother going to any type of college. I just started working construction. It’s not that I don’t want more than all of this, I do. I’m happy, but not satisfied, which very well may be why I put up profiles on several online dating sites.
I’ve attracted some attention this way and I’ve also had the opportunity to answer some ads with my own ad. Generally, I could get about two or three dates per month from my ad. We would usually get into some sort of conversation, asking questions like “Who are you?” and “What do you do for a living?” It’s all very superficial stuff, with no emotion or care behind it.
I would always have my dates meet me at a place I knew well. The greasy greek joiunt a few miles down the road from my apartment; the bowling alley where I had attempted a bowling career and failed miserably; or the great chinese buffet, another one of my favorite haunts. The more popular I felt when I walked into a place, the better I thought I would look in the eyes of my date.
****
I’m driving by the donut shop, the one I stopped by this morning on the way to work. I get a coffee and one or two donuts, depending on how hungry I am. This morning I got one, a long john complete with chocolate icing and multicolored sprinkles.
I can see the bowling alley now. I remember the first time I went there with a date, almost a year ago. Her name was Veronica. It had begun with he ad and me replying to it with mine. It was a fairly simple ad, a woman asking for a man to take her out on a date. Just a date, just because she hadn’t had a nice date for a while. It wasn’t like she was in need of a man or a date, she just wanted one. Her last boyfriend was probably a pig and never took her anywhere. For all I know, she might still have a boyfriend. It’s the internet, it’s something you don’t really ask. We met at the bowling alley and while we were still outside, she looked me up and down. She wasn’t exactly a petite little woman and I wasn’t exactly a petite little man, so I thought it would work out if she was basing our date on looks.
She seemed to be mildly interested when she met me. I mean, we shared a few laughs as we were choosing bowling balls. I remember picking a blue one and she picked a lightweight pink one. Typical boy/girl connundrum. I was having a good time and she was too.
We reserved our lane and decided to start the night out with a beer. I said a toast, going something like “To all the exquisite looking bowlers in the world, may they be outdone by you.” She just looked at me, with a look of shock on her face. “I didn’t mean to scare you or anything, I was just being goofy,” I said, but she didn’t laugh.
“Tough crowd,” I thought.
After draining our beers in almost complete silence and looking at everything other than each other, we decided to play a game of bowling. I offered my had to her to help her get off of her chair, but she didn’t take it. Instead, she used the arms on the chair to bring her two feet onto the floor. When we hit the step to get to our lane, I again offered my hand. Nothing. She looked straight ahead and kept walking.
While we were bowling, I would strategically place myself to put my arm around her when she sat down, only to find that she would stand up until I was up on the lane about to bowl. I would come back and she would already be up, waiting for her turn. Even when I wanted to give her a high five for a good bowl, she would keep her hands to her side.
If there’s any support I need to know that I’m not a boring person and I’m doing a good job with my date, it’s the sense of touch. Even a high five would have done it, but when a person is completely disgusted with you for no apparent reason, they will do anything to not come near you. Veronica was one of these people.
We lasted one game and she excused herself to the bathroom, just to leave through the front door and to her car. I was crushed.
****
With the window open, I can feel the breeze. The perfect fall day for leaving my ten mile radius. At least the weather was comfortable, even if I was not. I am on my way to meet the latest date, a date different than one I had ever experienced. We talked the last two weeks on instant messenger and last night we talked for two hours on the phone, laughing about the silliest things in our life. She is excited about our date tonight, that’s what she told me.
Last night, she suggested a place about 20 miles away where we could get a bite to eat. I’m passing these places that have so much memory behind them and she’s asking me to come to her turf, to play on her home field and make memories at someplace she sees everyday. Strange.
Now I’m outside of my ten mile border. I’m nervous, uncomfortable, and wanting to go back home. The parking lot of the diner I am in isn’t bad. I mean, perhaps it’s a little different from what I’m used to, but not a bad different. A homey little diner in the suburbs.
I open the door and I can already see her standing and waiting but a few feet in front of me. Her red hair cascades down her back, and I cannot even open the door.
“Come on, just do it. Open the door. This will be worth it.” I am trying to quiet the mammoth butterflies in my stomach, to no avail.
She turns around probably because she feels me staring at her. “Great,” I think, “She probably already thinks I’m a creeper.”
She opens the door for me and grabs my hand instantly. Her hand is silky and small in mine. She’s talking but all I can focus on is the way she’s grasping my hand. Firm, but gentle. Perfectly proportioned fingers.
She’s touching me, and if feels so unreal, so uncomfortable and unnatural. So long without touch, I just can’t handle it.
****
I’m back in my truck. Did I honestly just say that I had to use the bathroom? Oh shit. I pull my truck out of my parking spot. I guess some people never get over the hurt for something good.

It is what it is.

Now is when I feel the temptation the most, these late nights. They haunt me, shadows lurking and waiting for their time to strike. “Won’t it make you feel good, for a little while? Just a little release...”
A little release that turns to sin. A ministry that so easily can entangle if I put down my sword of the Spirit and my breastplate of righteousness. If I set down my cross, the shadows pounce. Darkness covers my mind, sets me into a mode unknown to even those closest to me but known well to strangers on the other side of their computers.
“On a scale of sin, it would probably rank a two,” I tell myself to make me feel better. But there is no scale of sin. Every sin creates a chasm between Him and I- the one who created me, saved me, and sustains me. I should be doing everything for His glory. How is gleefully giving my heart unto man giving Him glory? I know I have unsurpassable joy in His presence and serving Him. This earthly joy lasts only a minute- His joy keeps me living and striving to give Him glory.
“I do not do what I want to do, but those things that I do not want to do– those I keep doing.” Why do I keep turning back to this? Things go well for a short period of time. I find someone who I recognize as a blessing- someone I want to present myself to as pure and holy. I do not give into this exact temptation for a few months. Thoughts cross my mind, God keeps the act away and takes the thoughts away as well. My head instead is filled with admiration for one man who expects better than this from me.
“A happy heart makes the face cheerful...” And I was cheerful. My heart was happy. Living with God, an amazing man (prospectively someone who God would give to me to cherish)... life was good. I start taking matters into my own hands, my heart starts to stray from the One who gave this blessing to me. My idol becomes not many, but one.
“...but heartache crushes the spirit.” Just when things were going well, all fails. God saw me searching after Him through another person. He tells me:
“You are to search for him through Me. None other. I will bring you together, just trust me on this. And your relationship will be all the more stronger if you give up control of this.”
I know this, I yell. I holler. I tell Him off. I’ve been doing that all along, doesn’t He see? I’ve been giving Him control and it’s been going exactly how I want it to...
“Exactly how I want it to.”
Bad choices.
I wasn’t giving it to God. I was putting words into His mouth, taking situations into my hands that were not meant to be in my hands. I was abusing the blessing He had given me, giving into my own wants instead of God’s desires, which are to be the desires of my heart. Through Him I find unsurpassable joy.
And so now I start over. I begin anew. I pick up my cross, I follow after Him. I am His daughter, I have been treated as one. I used the freedom poorly and now, like a child, must learn from my failure to communicate with my Father. Father knows best.
For this reason I cling to Him. For this reason I admit my fears and my failures, my lack to communicate. For this reason I trust Him, for this reason I wait for my head of the household, the man who can spur me toward Christ in anything and everything... because Father knows best.