It is what it is.

Now is when I feel the temptation the most, these late nights. They haunt me, shadows lurking and waiting for their time to strike. “Won’t it make you feel good, for a little while? Just a little release...”
A little release that turns to sin. A ministry that so easily can entangle if I put down my sword of the Spirit and my breastplate of righteousness. If I set down my cross, the shadows pounce. Darkness covers my mind, sets me into a mode unknown to even those closest to me but known well to strangers on the other side of their computers.
“On a scale of sin, it would probably rank a two,” I tell myself to make me feel better. But there is no scale of sin. Every sin creates a chasm between Him and I- the one who created me, saved me, and sustains me. I should be doing everything for His glory. How is gleefully giving my heart unto man giving Him glory? I know I have unsurpassable joy in His presence and serving Him. This earthly joy lasts only a minute- His joy keeps me living and striving to give Him glory.
“I do not do what I want to do, but those things that I do not want to do– those I keep doing.” Why do I keep turning back to this? Things go well for a short period of time. I find someone who I recognize as a blessing- someone I want to present myself to as pure and holy. I do not give into this exact temptation for a few months. Thoughts cross my mind, God keeps the act away and takes the thoughts away as well. My head instead is filled with admiration for one man who expects better than this from me.
“A happy heart makes the face cheerful...” And I was cheerful. My heart was happy. Living with God, an amazing man (prospectively someone who God would give to me to cherish)... life was good. I start taking matters into my own hands, my heart starts to stray from the One who gave this blessing to me. My idol becomes not many, but one.
“...but heartache crushes the spirit.” Just when things were going well, all fails. God saw me searching after Him through another person. He tells me:
“You are to search for him through Me. None other. I will bring you together, just trust me on this. And your relationship will be all the more stronger if you give up control of this.”
I know this, I yell. I holler. I tell Him off. I’ve been doing that all along, doesn’t He see? I’ve been giving Him control and it’s been going exactly how I want it to...
“Exactly how I want it to.”
Bad choices.
I wasn’t giving it to God. I was putting words into His mouth, taking situations into my hands that were not meant to be in my hands. I was abusing the blessing He had given me, giving into my own wants instead of God’s desires, which are to be the desires of my heart. Through Him I find unsurpassable joy.
And so now I start over. I begin anew. I pick up my cross, I follow after Him. I am His daughter, I have been treated as one. I used the freedom poorly and now, like a child, must learn from my failure to communicate with my Father. Father knows best.
For this reason I cling to Him. For this reason I admit my fears and my failures, my lack to communicate. For this reason I trust Him, for this reason I wait for my head of the household, the man who can spur me toward Christ in anything and everything... because Father knows best.