Reflections

Sometimes it's incredible what you can find in another person's writing. The Bible is the perfect example of this: it holds so many stories that pertain to you at different times in your life. Wait. Here's the thing. I always talk about "you." I think that needs to stop in this post. Me. It pertains to me at different times in my life. For example, the story of Jonah. Jonah's little issue with God was where I was at a little over a week ago. I won't pretend that everything is better- the cost of discipleship is high and being a Christian isn't always easy. This world is tough, straight up. But because I have God in my life, because I trust Him I can be more than a conquerer (the words of Paul ring true).
Lately I've been a lot like David as well. One Psalm of "Lord, you are awesome, I love this, I love you, life is so right right now!", one Psalm of "What in the world are you doing, God? Come and save me now please!!!! This stinks." And they're within the same day. Is there such a thing as spiritual bi-polarity?
Other writings I find reflections of myself as well. Whether it be a character in an Austen book, one of Hawthorne's strong feminine roles, or a quip from a comedian that rings true. I am also an avid blog reader, believe it or not. I was reading a friend's blog today and both of them had reflections of myself in them- it's incredible. It's also very encouraging to know that others struggle with the same issues that I have/I do. One of them is anger. Looking at me now, you probably would never believe that I was an intensely angry person up to until a few years ago. I internalized my anger and let it eat away at everything- including my friendships. When I was at home, however, that's where I felt comfortable to voice my anger and would often take out everything that I pent up on my family members- it's a wonder they still love me. The stupidest little things, like not being able to play my piano lesson perfectly would send me flailing, yelling, and crying to my room. My sister, who was my piano teacher did not understand it and neither did my mom. But they were patient with me. As time progressed I internalized more and more anger. My outlet would not be my family members, rather, it would be myself. No, I wouldn't cut. No, I didn't turn anorexic or bulimic. But I would beat myself up about the stupidest things that I could not control. I would become emotionally out-of-wack- there's no other way to describe that.
But then my faith started becoming real. I started seeing the chinks in my armor. Why didn't I just talk to the person who had hurt me? Why did I bury it when God says "in your anger, do not sin"? In my anger, I did sin. How could I let it get to that point? God started showing me discernment in a lot of situations- when to talk, when to be silent. He started to show me that the amount of anger I had was not healthy. Most of all, He gave me the gift of writing- a healthy outlet for my pent up frustrations. And then he put a notebook in my hands and said "Write it to me." I listened and it has been the most beautiful experience of my life.
Yes, I still struggle with anger issues. Yes, it is still hard for me to confront people about things so that I am not angry. But with God at my side, even though it's not easy, I can trust Him with this anger and approach His throne of grace every time I screw up. For that, I am eternally thankful.